(also published on Medium)
I came across this phrase in a random paperback that I was perusing in a waiting room sometime ago and the phrase came back to me last week. It referred to a tray of coffees, hot chocolates, pastries and ice cream. I thought back to my own darkest days when I relied on red wine and chocolate to dull my pain and make it through one day at a time.
I recall our family GP, back in the days when they knew you personally, reminding my newly widowed mother that the only time to avoid alcohol was when you really felt you NEEDED that drink. My mother heeded his advice but relied on Valium instead which wasn’t much of an improvement. Yes, there’s absolutely a place for prescribed drugs for mental illness and maybe to help you through a really bad patch when numbing your feelings makes life nearly bearable. Just as there can be great value in counselling and therapy of different kinds. But what do you do when all you really need is the equivalent of a band aid?
What prompted my remembering the phrase “Emergency Emotional First Aid” was the death of an old family friend last week. Much to her delight she had reached her 90th birthday back in March, living on will-power and determination alone for her last months. She still loved life in a way that was quite infectious — what a gift. Her favourite tipple was a good Scotch so I poured myself a glass and raised a toast to her, pausing to reflect if that was indeed the best emotional band aid in the moment.
I was lucky enough to have an appointment with my cranial osteopath later that day and I felt much better after his treatment, hug included. He found his cuddliest blanket to throw over me and when I commented that all I needed now was a teddy bear , he managed to produce that too, from Harrods no less! The following morning I had a TRE (Trauma Release Exercise) session and felt enormously more grounded, present and completely out of my initial fight or flight response afterwards — I’ve seen more than my fair share of bereavements so I recognise that my response was part current and part reigniting of past sorrows.
All this prompted me to consider what I might put in an Emergency Emotional First Aid bag. There must be a better way than alcohol and chocolate! For me it would include:- a cup of tea (yes, I’m British) and something to eat because taking in sustenance is so life-affirming; my favourite smoky quartz crystal to use much like worry beads; a Colour Mirrors essence, probably Metatron; maybe essential oils to diffuse — lavender, bergamot, ginger; bath salts to relax in; and maybe an easy to read light book for when I start to be able to concentrate again. What would you choose to have in your bag?
Of course, some of the most helpful things aren’t physical. One of the best things you can do for emotional regulation is to slow down your breathing. Taking a breath deep into your belly starts to remind your body that you are safe. I love square breathing where you count your in breath, for say a count of 5, hold for 5, breath out for 5 and hold on empty for another count of 5. Others prefer to extend the out breath as a way of calming the nervous system. If that seems too difficult, breathing in sync with another can work well.
The natural world is wonderful in helping us find beauty again — the lushness of the grass, the clarity of spring water, the thrush singing his heart out, the cat purring on your lap. Better still if you can take yourself out for a walk, movement of our physical bodies can move our energetic selves, shifting our emotions if they seem to have got stuck.
Music can also be balm for our souls. Maybe you want to match your mood for a while before looking for something more uplifting or maybe you’re ready to go straight there. Our feelings like to be acknowledged, named, celebrated even, for the job they do in keeping us safe, aware of our boundaries, recognising our values and what is precious to us — after all, we only mourn for those people, experiences and things that we’ve loved.
We are all creative beings and when we get creative we shift our state of being too, whether that’s painting, baking, gardening (two for one with connection to the natural world!), writing, carving and so on. So my virtual Emergency Emotional First Aid kit includes breathing deeply, moving, getting out into nature, putting on music and getting creative. What would you add?